ScreamFree Parenting
So, I've been very frustrated with my attempts at gentle discipline recently. I'm sure a large portion of my frustration has come from first-trimester hormones, and lack of energy... but I really shouldn't be blaming everything on that... I still want more kids and I would hate for my kids to equate mom's first trimester with nastiness.
So, I went on Amazon and looked up a bunch of books on gentle discipline and parenting, and put them on my wishlist. Then, being the frugal (ie. cheap-o) mom that I am (also the stay-at-home wife of a poor, starving Master's student), I found several of them at the local library and put them on hold (since nearly all of them were already checked out). The very first one to become available was "ScreamFree Parenting" by Hal Runkel.
I picked up the book Wednesday evening, and finished it Friday afternoon. I LOVED this book. The whole concept of the book is that you really have no control over your children, you cannot force them to do anything. So, instead of focusing on everything they're doing wrong, and how you're such a bad parent because of the choices they make... we should be focusing on our own choices (as in, our choice to remain calm no matter what our children try to do to us). If we focus on our own choices, and try to set a good example for our children, we don't worry as much about what choices they make, and realize... it is their choice to make. There are still consequences for the kids choices, but I don't feel a need to take the offense personally.
Example: last night Kathryn was obviously tired at dinner time. We had a late dinner for various reasons and Ryn had already complained that she was feeling sick. As I set the table (because she refused to help... different story), she threw her fork across the table because "it was the wrong one." I tried to calmly explain that the fork she wanted was in the dishwasher (which was running at the time) and could not be used. I explained that she could use the fork I provided, choose another one from the drawer, or simply not eat. She chose to sit at the table and cry to daddy about the fork she wanted. He gave her the same options I had just given her. At that point she started SCREAMING at him. Dave and I both decided that was a "go to your room" type of scream, so we carried her to the top of the stairs and shut the gate (since she refused to go to her room, and we have no way to lock her in her room). Dave and I then went back downstairs and ate dinner with the other girls. The entire time we ate, Kathryn continued to scream at us (even screaming that she wanted to come down because she was ready to be happy). I felt bad that she was missing out on dinner, but I didn't feel bad about screaming at her because I didn't scream. I was totally calm and in control of myself the whole time, and I recognized that Ryn's consequence was her choice... it was her choice to throw the fork and scream at us, so she was the one who had to deal with that consequence.
The whole experience was quite refreshing and I didn't have tons of guilt for losing my temper with her, which made me feel much better and more able to handle other little issues with the other girls that evening.
Overall, I highly recommend "ScreamFree Parenting" for anyone who wants/needs to stay in control a bit more.
So, I went on Amazon and looked up a bunch of books on gentle discipline and parenting, and put them on my wishlist. Then, being the frugal (ie. cheap-o) mom that I am (also the stay-at-home wife of a poor, starving Master's student), I found several of them at the local library and put them on hold (since nearly all of them were already checked out). The very first one to become available was "ScreamFree Parenting" by Hal Runkel.
I picked up the book Wednesday evening, and finished it Friday afternoon. I LOVED this book. The whole concept of the book is that you really have no control over your children, you cannot force them to do anything. So, instead of focusing on everything they're doing wrong, and how you're such a bad parent because of the choices they make... we should be focusing on our own choices (as in, our choice to remain calm no matter what our children try to do to us). If we focus on our own choices, and try to set a good example for our children, we don't worry as much about what choices they make, and realize... it is their choice to make. There are still consequences for the kids choices, but I don't feel a need to take the offense personally.
Example: last night Kathryn was obviously tired at dinner time. We had a late dinner for various reasons and Ryn had already complained that she was feeling sick. As I set the table (because she refused to help... different story), she threw her fork across the table because "it was the wrong one." I tried to calmly explain that the fork she wanted was in the dishwasher (which was running at the time) and could not be used. I explained that she could use the fork I provided, choose another one from the drawer, or simply not eat. She chose to sit at the table and cry to daddy about the fork she wanted. He gave her the same options I had just given her. At that point she started SCREAMING at him. Dave and I both decided that was a "go to your room" type of scream, so we carried her to the top of the stairs and shut the gate (since she refused to go to her room, and we have no way to lock her in her room). Dave and I then went back downstairs and ate dinner with the other girls. The entire time we ate, Kathryn continued to scream at us (even screaming that she wanted to come down because she was ready to be happy). I felt bad that she was missing out on dinner, but I didn't feel bad about screaming at her because I didn't scream. I was totally calm and in control of myself the whole time, and I recognized that Ryn's consequence was her choice... it was her choice to throw the fork and scream at us, so she was the one who had to deal with that consequence.
The whole experience was quite refreshing and I didn't have tons of guilt for losing my temper with her, which made me feel much better and more able to handle other little issues with the other girls that evening.
Overall, I highly recommend "ScreamFree Parenting" for anyone who wants/needs to stay in control a bit more.
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